Last night I got home, felt my shoulders slump and my eyes droop a bit and exhaled. The adrenaline had dropped and suddenly I felt exhausted and well… sad. The day had been long and there was nothing necessarily “bad” about it, but I felt completely drained. I walked into my apartment and went straight to my room without saying hello to my roommates because I felt the tears welling up and I didn’t want to talk about it. What was I even supposed to say?
The worst part was I didn’t have anything concrete to complain about. It just felt overwhelmed by things like finances and stress and my own emotions. Furthermore, it felt like God had called me to all these plans that I currently have absolutely no idea how to fulfill. I feel like he is calling me towards a cliff and not only can I not see the other side of it, I don’t even know how to take the steps to get to it.
I look at the dreams God has set on my heart and I tell him: Look, I know you’re all-knowing, but I’m not sure you’re taking into account some pretty relevant logistics here. Then I list out all the reasons I don’t see how I can be a part of these plans (as if he isn’t all-knowing) and then I have the audacity to start making my own plans to accomplish both his plans and some side ones of my own. Because I guess I assume he doesn’t know what he’s doing?
As I was in bed crying over a bowl of mango sorbet – dramatic I know – I started talking to my friend Kennedy about it. Things you should know about Kennedy include: she is very wise, beautiful inside and out, one of the best listeners and my favorite person to have any sort of brainstorm with. Last night she said to me, “When you trust in God’s faithfulness you know He is always working for you so you no longer have to prove yourself or hustle to make ends meet. He is just waiting to embrace you and rest in Him.”
(Thanks Jesus for convicting and encouraging friends.)
When we actually acknowledge the character of who God says he is, it changes our perspective on everything. If I truly believe that God provides, that he loves me and sees me and that He has ordained all the days of my life, then I don’t need to worry about my next paycheck or what tomorrow holds. And when I stop running on my hamster wheel of self-importance and esteem to glorify myself, I get the opportunity to rest in the God who loves me and takes care of every detail. Then I get to glorify Him in my weakness. What a picture of beauty and the gospel.
It also reminds me of something Jesus told me a few weeks ago and has been repeating in soft whisper throughout my days. “Don’t plan, just participate.”
It’s as if life was a grand scavenger hunt and Jesus already set up all the clues and prizes. And then the night before I decide I’m going to stay up stressing over the clues and what they could be and if the prizes will really be there. My worry will not change anything and none of it was ever in my control to begin with. And Jesus is telling me, “It’s already prepared. You don’t have to plan. You literally just have to show up.”
I think that is all Jesus asks of us. And most days it is what we forget. We are invited into His plan. It is ready and more glorious than we could ever imagine.
All we have to do is show up.